Huh?

What the fuck are you doing here?

What the fuck am I doing here?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Something!!

Anyways, I was just waking up from a nap, because that's what I do now, take a shitload of naps, and thought to check out my old blogspot, and was sort of enjoying some of the shit I was saying. So, I thought, I should write....something.

Like, don't ask me what I'm going to talk about. As of right now, I have no idea. 

Spotify, maybe?

Recently, Spotify generated my 2018 Year in review playlist of all my Top 2018 Songs. And, the reception from Twitter a few friendly twitter followers was...critical. 

A few things:

Number one:

I kid...but also...

Second, I realized that I probably use Spotify different than most. I figure that for people who use Spotify, it's their primary music player. They can listen to it in their car, at home, on the go, at work, etc. So, their playlist will be filled with their favorite songs, from today's top 30 lists, or whatever.

Me, I still have an iPod. I maintain an iTunes library. That's still my primary mode of music. So, what do I use Spotify for: almost exclusively to find new music. That I can then download, place in my iTunes Library, and put on my iPod. So, yeah, if my top 2018 songs list stuff you've never heard of, that's precisely the point!

Or, maybe I'm just salty because every always shits on my preferences. 

It's probably that.

Anyways...see you in 2020...

Today...was a "I suck at life" day.

So, you don't have to read my entire blog to know that I fucking suck at getting women.

OK, maybe I don't mention it. But I'm mentioning it now, so now you fucking know.

Sorry, just a little testee.

Not "that" small, Condi.

It all started at Bolocolocolocolocolocoloco (or 'Boloco", for the less illiterate). I was getting out of my car and saw this really cute cutie (yep, that cute). Now, I see cuties, beauties and pretty women all the time, but I'm never in a position to just walk up and say "hi" without making it really awkward. And I don't do awkward. So, I usually just go on with my day.

Well, without getting into the complete details, we shared a laugh as we were walking into the store. Furthermore, because of the timing, we were next to each other in line. Do you really see what's about to (or NOT about to) happen? Do you really not know me that much?

It was a particularly long line as well, so what did I do? (or didn't do...really, still no idea what's about to happen...or NOT happen?)

I didn't speak. I didn't say anything. We chared one or two glances in line and as we were waiting to get our food. But I didn't say a god damn word. But that's not the worse. (Yes, it gets worse).

It wasn't so much that I couldn't say something, I made a conscientious decision NOT to talk to her. Like, I had openings to say something. Ask her if she went to Boloco often? Tell her how much I love Boloco (I do). Ask her if she had favorites? Fuck, anything. It was all there. BTW, did I mention how cute she was?!?! And I thought up every single reason why she would reject me, why we wouldn't work, why she was probably already in a relation. Oh yeah, did I mention I knew absolutely nothing about her?!?! At no point did I think "maybe you'll be really funny. Maybe you'll have something in common. Maybe, not only would something bad not happen, something good might happen." Nope, never entered my brain. But, now, I can't stop thinking about the opportunity I completely missed.

Scumbag Brain

I mean, I'm not saying we would live happily ever after. In all honesty, I think the best that would have happen was a nice 5 minute conversation, then we would part ways. The worse, I say something, she gives me a quick answer and ignores me. But, just because I didn't try, I have no idea what could have happen. Yeah, that whole "Failing is better than not trying" thing is legit. But that's not what I'm afraid of.

I'm terrified that if this situation occurs again, I would make the same mistake again. That scares me. Because, what does that say about me? I feel like shit for not trying, then when I can try again, I still don't have the guts to make a move?

I'm about to go to sleep and I just don't know what to do with myself. If I actually thought therapy would help, I would try. But, really, fuck that.

I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that I suck a little less at life tomorrow.

BTW, I'm still in love with a married woman. Ah, another post, another day.

~ Derek.

So, there's nothing going on with my life...

...I'm only completely in love with a married woman.

Now, before you think, "What is she, like 35, 40?"

Actually, she's in her mid 20's.

I was in love with her before she was married, so it wasn't like I only knew the married her.

And before you think, "why didn't you make a move."

Oh, contraire. I actually did ask her out. Yeah, I know, surprising.

Alas, when I did, she was dating someone.

I see her everyday, so, we still talked. Yeah, she works in my building.

She did break up with that person, so I was going to go back in, make another move. I've NEVER done that before.

OK, once, with whatsherface, but that's different. Also, you probably don't know who whatsherface is. Well, I refuse to talk about her on this blog. Visit my old Xanga blog to read all that shit about the HomeTown Honey (www.xanga.com/dr_omels).

But, I was starting to get the feeling that she was nice to everyone (since, that's kinda in her job duties). But, even still, I believed we shared something.

But, I was conflicted, so I was quiet. Yes, that's the real me. Staying quiet while life passes me by. Moving on.

A month later, she was dating someone else. 6, 8, 10 months later, she was engaged. 2 months later, she was married.

Or something like that, I'm not exactly sure of the timeline.

Either way, we still talk. We still have a little jokes, are little comments, our little ol' connection, that really never went away.

Sometimes, we share a brief moment, where she flashes me a little smile, that she sometimes, tries to hide, and I think "Wow, I could see that smile for the rest of my life and live happy".

Yes, lusting after taken women or women that have refused me is sorta the essences of my core. <---I have no idea what "the essences of my core" really means, but you know what I am saying.

I have no idea what I am going to do (yes I do), but I know what I should do (but I won't) and come to grips with the fact that we will never happen (I won't).

Yeah, I am a real piece of work. Why am I even on this planet?

~ Derek

That Sad Moment...

...when you realize, years after the fact, that you made a potential horrible mistake in life.

What decision am I referring to? There are plenty of things I wish I have done. Not chase Dacia after going to Temple. Ask out Cherisse. Been a little less of a bitch with Sabine (yep, most of my bad decisions deal with women and/or pussing out).

But the main decision I'm regretting: Looking for a job in Philly with much more gusto.

When I think about my life here, in Boston, the one thing I wish I had was a really good friend. Like, someone I didn't have to fake myself around. Someone I could be my bad-freestyling, terribly-eating-habit-having, corny-joke-making self. And I had that in spades in Philly after graduating.

I mean, not to disparage the people I know, hang out with (on occasion) and work with here. But, I really miss the camaraderie of my Philly friends. And I just don't have anything like that here.

And I think how that affects other things in my life. I have few friends, none that I hang out with on a regular basis and very little social life. Which makes finding women incredibly hard.

 Not that I don't have any other "You're FUCKED" qualities, but this one is big.

I mean, it's not that I absolutely hate living in Boston. I'm close to my family, I kinda like my job and the people I work with. But sometimes, just sometimes, I miss friends.

I'm 29 years old. It's fucking impossible to find new friends. People are getting married. Having kids. Doing real shit in life. These hypothetical people don't have time for my ass.

That's it...that's all I got...just some reflection shit...

~ Derek

So I did Karaoke tonight...

Take a guess at what song I sung:

Nope...

Really? That song? Nooo...

What is this, 1985? One more guess?

Wasn't that in a porno? Sounds familiar.

OK, I'll tell ya'll. It was this song:

Yes, this is Pearl Jam! Yes, it was 'Black'. No, I didn't pick this song because I'm black.

"I'm Black?"

Yes, a part of me wanted the people to ask themselves, "Really, THIS song? But, you're...you're...you're...a ... Bostonian. Why not pick faves, like Sweet Caroline or Journey or Some other common Karaoke song?"

To which I say..."exactly!"

Anyways, I gotta say, I fucking love being on stage! I was butchering the hell out of the song and there's no possible way I sounded anything that was be considered singing (There may also be video...which I hop, never comes to the surface). But, fuck...I loved performing. I mean, like, this is what I should be doing with my life! There was a point when I wasn't on stage. I was in my bedroom, all alone, in front of my mirror, singing my ass off.  And the crowd didn't even have my back. and I still enjoyed it. I can only image the feeling if the crowd was groovin' with me. Makes me wish I had some skill. Because there's no way I won't sing on stage every night! 

But, I can't sing. Aww....but I am kinda funny. This makes me think that I should get back into comedy. I've written so much down over the last six months, that I should be able to perform a solid 5 min set. Hell, my latest shit talked about how black people have no idea how long 5 mins is, which is kinda like how people going on diets underestimate how much they eat, so they can rationalize eating more.

Not very funny when I say it like that, but it could be something.

As I sign off, here's some more music from random rap guy. 

"Unknown rap is where real hip hop lies." - Me

~ Derek

Just when I start to think...

...why I don't get drunk, or high, or, just in general, not get fucked up, almost every night, I think, "You know what, I do have a way to get my high."

Huh?

Nevermind. Here's some awesome music...

~ Derek

Wow...I just realized...

...how incredibly heavy my last post was.

Something tells me that I should delete before too many people say it.

But lets be honest, I'm talking to myself here.

So, I'm gonna allow it to stay.

(Until I hid it...)

Just gives me enough reason to create more posts to knock it off the front page. Does that even work in Blogger? I'm use to Xanga, where there were only 5 updates be page.

"Xanga? Isn't that a board game?"

~ Derek

What do you do?

What do you do when you are kinda, sorta into someone, yet...

1. You question how you two dating would, not only affect the group dynamic, but how it would affect your relationship, it general?

2. You truly think there is a better fit for them than yourself. Not really saying that you're not good enough, just given the situation, you think they need someone unlike yourself, and because you care about them so much, you want what's best for them?

3. If you are not even sure if you like them or what they represent.

#Wat?

If you said, "Umm...I don't know...make a blog post?", you win!

~ Derek

I wanna get back into the blogging game...

I feel like I have so much to talk about.

1) I can talk about my big plans for 2012. Barbaods, a wedding (not mine), maybe going to Chicago, LA or London (completely by my Goddamn self, because that's how I roll).

2) My dating year in review. Actually, I can do that now. Meet a girl, had many great pre-date conversations, had pretty good first date, *POOF*, she disappeared, stop returning all communication from me. Talk about frustrating...

Should change their name to 'eFuckFuckFuckittyFuck'

3) My assorted crushes and my attempts to do something about them (Long story short...comedy ensued).

4) My brief stint in comedy. From Standup, which is as hard as you think it is, to Improv, which is HARDER than you think it is.

This is the only time in life I will give you credit...

5) My adventures perusing Quibids, looking for deals (and getting screwed in the end...like a well paid pornstar). I can give you this advice: If you're thinking about using it, don't. Just don't...

6) Music, TV, movies...alot of good shit this year. Well, good music, great TV, and I think there was one decent movie.

7) I website I found, which is great...if you like gore, racism, 9/11 jokes and the such. Essentially, a site only for the worse in all of us. And titties...(always relevant).

Not the worse site on the internet...just the worse that doesn't require proxies

8) The state of the world. Occupations, revelations, Tea Party Nations, etc.

9) Looming in the background, a Presidential election. Which is really, really, fucking depressing, if you're paying attention (which is probably why you're not...).

Romney, ever so perfectly, made the face we all make whenever watching a GOP Debate

Now, I've made this declarations before. To start blogging again, then said. "Nuts to this...I'm mobile...". The only problems is, sometimes I make a post and think, "what the hell is this crap? The Internet, which has special sites to see Guys blow transvestite dogs, is telling you to get rid of that shit."

So, will I stick to it? Probably not. Will you care? Probably not. Will I finish this sente...

~ Derek

(PS...if you're reading this...you're in for a treat. This is the only time I will tag a post with 'life' AND 'times'. This happens once a lifetime. Black Presidents happen more often...

Is President Brady gonna have to cut taxes off a bitch?

Great news!

I didn't lose control of this blog. I forgot it was under my old hotmail email and not my old gmail email...


Either way, I'm happy it's back!

Religious Talk with my parents.

So, my parents were talking about Lent. I told my Lent joke which I always find funny:

"You know what I'm giving up for Lent? Religion."

I love this joke!

My Parents...not so much.

I know religion is sensitive for my parents (especially, my father, which is very surprising).

So, I was real careful not to make any of my sarcastic comments, even though there were three distinct opportunities to do so:

1) My Father, after my joke, said I shouldn't make jokes about things like that. I was gonna respond with:

"...this coming from a guy that only goes to church twice a year."

Really. Sometimes only once a year. So, I figured he was just going through the motions. But apparently, he really believes hard. (Can you believe hard?). Also, my mother missed a real opportunity to sucker my father into a few more church visits.

2) Coming off my father's comment, my sister said that "you don't think God has a sense of humor?" I was immediately going to tell the story of Desiree Jennings. I can tell you now, or let the video talk:



For those of you on News Channel 8 (#insidejoke), the video is of a girl who got a flu shot. However, there was a side effect that triggered some disease in which she couldn't walk straight without a stammering and spazzing out. But could walk backwards and run with absolutely no problems with her movement or speech. With that said, my sarcastic comment was gonna be:

"After hearing this story, I completely believe that God exists...and just loves messing with us for laughs."

On a side note, they ended up finding out what was wrong with her and cured her. So, I have no guilt in showing you this clip:



Ah, I'm probably still going to hell.

3) Finally, after hearing my jokes and being slightly annoyed, my mother claimed that she "raise us better than that." I was gonna say:

"Mum, you raised us to be analytical, critical-thinking, individuals, capable of having our own thoughts, making our own decisions. and in that regard, you succeeded."

And I'm sure this probably wouldn't have played over well. So, I held restraint.

I feel like I accomplished something.

Praise Jesus!


OK, she might have raised us to be a little racist, as well.

Derek

How did you spend your New Years?

Did you start off the night right, become the life of the party, become the official photographer, start talking to a pretty lady, go to the bathroom to puke, stumble outside without telling anyone, puke some more, puke on your shirt, pass out in an alley, almost get run over by someone parking their car, sit on some steps, listen out while your friends scream your name, guide them to you, get lead up back inside to a "red" room, pass out again, complain whenever someone turned the light on, get driven home with a plastic trashbag over your head, have a great night sleep and wake up with not even the slightest hint of a hangover?

No? I'll tell you who did:

This guy

Sigh...it could have been a great night. Welcome 2010...

OK...

...uh, look, if you want me to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this blog is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my blogtistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the blog and I'm not going to change it."

OK, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just haven't updated in awhile and was in an Costanza mode.

I mean, it's not like I have something for you. I mean I may, but I don't wanna jinx it. So, I'll stay mum.

There are other things I could talk about, Obama fucking up (or that's what Fox News tells me), Meghan McCain's might fine boobs, my perspective prospects that may or may not, trip to Philly, jokes I'm coming up with.

I'll try to keep it positive. I mean, what's more positive than boobs?

Lesson learned.

OK, next time I want to check out a comedy open mike, come early.

That way, I won't spend $15 for parking only to get to the venue and be turned away because it was sold out.

It's funny, writing jokes, writing lyrics, making beats, all things you would think are simple until you try it. Then you realized that it is hard as fuck.

Next week, I wanna check out a comedy open mike just to get an idea of the talent level that would be expected. To be a good joke writer, you would have to observe everything and anything and think, "how can I make that int a joke." Hey, even raping young boys can be funny if said right.

In other news...alotta new music coped. Eminem, Busa-Bus, Kid Cudi, even Curren$y & Drake. Gotta love new music!

Until next time, kiddies...

It's been awhile...

...since I've been on this bitch. I was thinking about making a post for a while, but I always said, "fogitabouitit".

But, now, I have something to say.

After watching tons of videos on lmbao.org (check it out!!), I said to myself, "I can do a comedy routine." So, lately, I've been working on one. Basically, the topic of the routine is all the reason why I am a loser (not saying that I am, but if I told you some things about me, anyone would think I was). If I had a comedy special, it would be called "The Winner at Being a Loser." I would make a point to say that all topics are true stories of what has happened to me (to a point). Some topics:

Sex life (or extreme lack thereof) in college
Prostitution & paranoia
Male proposition on online dating site.
Girl I "met" in Montreal
The appreciating of women who engage in anal sex

There are more and each one can be a 4 minute routine by themselves.

I probably won't ever do a show but I might get a decent webcam and put it on youtube. It does get very dirty and gritty, so I wonder how much I can say and still have people look at me the same.

If there are gonna recoil in disgust, I at least hope it's funny.

Haven't been on here in a minute...

I haven't forgotten about this...yet.

I've been working on some big things. Looking to put what I have learned into action.

I swear I'll be back with some updates.

I keep having this recurring dream...

This recurring dream revolves around me not being able to shoot a gun.

The situations change, but the same theme is there.

I've had dreams where I was a cop, I was protecting my home, I was a good Samaritan, I was a criminal getting away from the police, even one where I was having a water fight with a supersoaker.

There were a one or two dreams were I was lucid and was able to will my gun to fire bullets. But now that doesn't even work. It has gotten to the pint where if I fire a gun and it doesn't work, I [i]know[/i] it's a dream.

Now, I'm no dream therapist, but I am fairly certain I know what it means.

Simply put, it means that in my life, I don't "pull the trigger" enough. Which almost goes without saying.

Hell, I know I should. Now I know what all those math-illiterate people in high school felt when I explained the reason behind the idea derivatives. They didn't get it and I kept asking myself, "why not? It's so simple." Fast forward to now. People ask me, why don't you just ______________ (any number of things) and I reply, "I just can't/won't don't want to" and people respond, "why not? It's so simple."

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me...

So, housing hunting sucks...

So, my sister & I have been house hunting for a month. Which is an relatively incredibly short time. But with each house we look at, we get a little more discouraged about what we can afford. Did is probably what those super sap suckers who bought more then they can afford felt. Thinking "we can go 10 grand higher." Then they see that house, realize that they probably have to spend 15-20 grand to fix it up. Next thing you know, they are paying 25-30 grand more than they can afford.

I should probably make sure that doesn't happen to me.

Then I start think about the little joys about owning a house. And by 'joys', I mean extremely, agonizing, annoying anti-perks. You never realize how much a house has to be maintained. Broken heater? That's on you. Pipes need replacing? That's on you! Making sure you house's structure doesn't crumple right under you feet? That's on you!!

At some point, I have to ask, "is it worth it?"

Maybe the Condo route might be better. Getting a condo isn't exactly painless. But if I can afford the fee, why can't someone else take care of that other shit.

Well, it's the second day of 2009...

...and I already plan on doing something drastically out of character.

::::EDIT::::

I wonder what is worse.

A) Not trying

or

B) Working up the courage to try, only to realize the opportunity is lost.

B is stinging like a...uh, well...like a bee right now.

Fuck, now I'm gonna have to reflect on this all weekend.

Every New Year, I feel the same way...

"Well, New years are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each bang of a firework in the air, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy new year? No such thing."

Pretty much...