Friday, April 20, 2012

Today...was a "I suck at life" day.

So, you don't have to read my entire blog to know that I fucking suck at getting women.

OK, maybe I don't mention it. But I'm mentioning it now, so now you fucking know.

Sorry, just a little testee.

Not "that" small, Condi.

It all started at Bolocolocolocolocolocoloco (or 'Boloco", for the less illiterate). I was getting out of my car and saw this really cute cutie (yep, that cute). Now, I see cuties, beauties and pretty women all the time, but I'm never in a position to just walk up and say "hi" without making it really awkward. And I don't do awkward. So, I usually just go on with my day.

Well, without getting into the complete details, we shared a laugh as we were walking into the store. Furthermore, because of the timing, we were next to each other in line. Do you really see what's about to (or NOT about to) happen? Do you really not know me that much?

It was a particularly long line as well, so what did I do? (or didn't do...really, still no idea what's about to happen...or NOT happen?)

I didn't speak. I didn't say anything. We chared one or two glances in line and as we were waiting to get our food. But I didn't say a god damn word. But that's not the worse. (Yes, it gets worse).

It wasn't so much that I couldn't say something, I made a conscientious decision NOT to talk to her. Like, I had openings to say something. Ask her if she went to Boloco often? Tell her how much I love Boloco (I do). Ask her if she had favorites? Fuck, anything. It was all there. BTW, did I mention how cute she was?!?! And I thought up every single reason why she would reject me, why we wouldn't work, why she was probably already in a relation. Oh yeah, did I mention I knew absolutely nothing about her?!?! At no point did I think "maybe you'll be really funny. Maybe you'll have something in common. Maybe, not only would something bad not happen, something good might happen." Nope, never entered my brain. But, now, I can't stop thinking about the opportunity I completely missed.

Scumbag Brain

I mean, I'm not saying we would live happily ever after. In all honesty, I think the best that would have happen was a nice 5 minute conversation, then we would part ways. The worse, I say something, she gives me a quick answer and ignores me. But, just because I didn't try, I have no idea what could have happen. Yeah, that whole "Failing is better than not trying" thing is legit. But that's not what I'm afraid of.

I'm terrified that if this situation occurs again, I would make the same mistake again. That scares me. Because, what does that say about me? I feel like shit for not trying, then when I can try again, I still don't have the guts to make a move?

I'm about to go to sleep and I just don't know what to do with myself. If I actually thought therapy would help, I would try. But, really, fuck that.

I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that I suck a little less at life tomorrow.

BTW, I'm still in love with a married woman. Ah, another post, another day.

~ Derek.

Friday, March 9, 2012

So, there's nothing going on with my life...

...I'm only completely in love with a married woman.

Now, before you think, "What is she, like 35, 40?"

Actually, she's in her mid 20's.

I was in love with her before she was married, so it wasn't like I only knew the married her.

And before you think, "why didn't you make a move."

Oh, contraire. I actually did ask her out. Yeah, I know, surprising.

Alas, when I did, she was dating someone.

I see her everyday, so, we still talked. Yeah, she works in my building.

She did break up with that person, so I was going to go back in, make another move. I've NEVER done that before.

OK, once, with whatsherface, but that's different. Also, you probably don't know who whatsherface is. Well, I refuse to talk about her on this blog. Visit my old Xanga blog to read all that shit about the HomeTown Honey (

But, I was starting to get the feeling that she was nice to everyone (since, that's kinda in her job duties). But, even still, I believed we shared something.

But, I was conflicted, so I was quiet. Yes, that's the real me. Staying quiet while life passes me by. Moving on.

A month later, she was dating someone else. 6, 8, 10 months later, she was engaged. 2 months later, she was married.

Or something like that, I'm not exactly sure of the timeline.

Either way, we still talk. We still have a little jokes, are little comments, our little ol' connection, that really never went away.

Sometimes, we share a brief moment, where she flashes me a little smile, that she sometimes, tries to hide, and I think "Wow, I could see that smile for the rest of my life and live happy".

Yes, lusting after taken women or women that have refused me is sorta the essences of my core. <---I have no idea what "the essences of my core" really means, but you know what I am saying.

I have no idea what I am going to do (yes I do), but I know what I should do (but I won't) and come to grips with the fact that we will never happen (I won't).

Yeah, I am a real piece of work. Why am I even on this planet?

~ Derek

Monday, February 13, 2012

That Sad Moment...

...when you realize, years after the fact, that you made a potential horrible mistake in life.

What decision am I referring to? There are plenty of things I wish I have done. Not chase Dacia after going to Temple. Ask out Cherisse. Been a little less of a bitch with Sabine (yep, most of my bad decisions deal with women and/or pussing out).

But the main decision I'm regretting: Looking for a job in Philly with much more gusto.

When I think about my life here, in Boston, the one thing I wish I had was a really good friend. Like, someone I didn't have to fake myself around. Someone I could be my bad-freestyling, terribly-eating-habit-having, corny-joke-making self. And I had that in spades in Philly after graduating.

I mean, not to disparage the people I know, hang out with (on occasion) and work with here. But, I really miss the camaraderie of my Philly friends. And I just don't have anything like that here.

And I think how that affects other things in my life. I have few friends, none that I hang out with on a regular basis and very little social life. Which makes finding women incredibly hard.

 Not that I don't have any other "You're FUCKED" qualities, but this one is big.

I mean, it's not that I absolutely hate living in Boston. I'm close to my family, I kinda like my job and the people I work with. But sometimes, just sometimes, I miss friends.

I'm 29 years old. It's fucking impossible to find new friends. People are getting married. Having kids. Doing real shit in life. These hypothetical people don't have time for my ass.

That's it...that's all I got...just some reflection shit...

~ Derek

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

2012 NFL Off-season.

From here:

New England Patriots: ‎"Team Needs: CB, DE, WR.

Their Super Bowl run proved once again that the Patriots are superbly coached by Bill Belichick and have a great QB in Tom Brady, which allowed them to overcome some personnel deficiencies. The team's biggest problem area is the secondary, where the Patriots had to use wide receiver Julian Edelman late in the season. Their No. 31-ranked pass defense is somewhat misleading, as teams had to throw on the Pats once they fell behind. But the Patriots could not match up for 60 minutes with Eli Manning and his trio of wide receivers, so look for them to draft -- or sign in free agency --corners and another pass rusher. The Pats need to re-sign or, more likely will franchise, free-agent-to-be WR Wes Welker and then add another impact wide receiver or two, while bidding farewell to Chad Ochocinco and perhaps Deion Branch."

Looking at the WR pool, *coughBrandonLloydcough*, I'm looking forward to this off-season! *coughSeeingHowImDesperatelyTryingNotToLookBackSneeze

Plus, last year's second round pick, Ras-I Dowling (who was put on IR early in the season) will be back to help out the secondary. And the Pats have two first round picks and two second round picks (which they will convert into first round picks in 2043). But, hey, they may actually use them. So, yeah, silver lining (because I got nothing else).

I still believe in you!

~ Derek

Friday, February 3, 2012

So I did Karaoke tonight...

Take a guess at what song I sung:


Really? That song? Nooo...

What is this, 1985? One more guess?

Wasn't that in a porno? Sounds familiar.

OK, I'll tell ya'll. It was this song:

Yes, this is Pearl Jam! Yes, it was 'Black'. No, I didn't pick this song because I'm black.

"I'm Black?"

Yes, a part of me wanted the people to ask themselves, "Really, THIS song? But, you'''re...a ... Bostonian. Why not pick faves, like Sweet Caroline or Journey or Some other common Karaoke song?"

To which I say..."exactly!"

Anyways, I gotta say, I fucking love being on stage! I was butchering the hell out of the song and there's no possible way I sounded anything that was be considered singing (There may also be video...which I hop, never comes to the surface). But, fuck...I loved performing. I mean, like, this is what I should be doing with my life! There was a point when I wasn't on stage. I was in my bedroom, all alone, in front of my mirror, singing my ass off.  And the crowd didn't even have my back. and I still enjoyed it. I can only image the feeling if the crowd was groovin' with me. Makes me wish I had some skill. Because there's no way I won't sing on stage every night! 

But, I can't sing. Aww....but I am kinda funny. This makes me think that I should get back into comedy. I've written so much down over the last six months, that I should be able to perform a solid 5 min set. Hell, my latest shit talked about how black people have no idea how long 5 mins is, which is kinda like how people going on diets underestimate how much they eat, so they can rationalize eating more.

Not very funny when I say it like that, but it could be something.

As I sign off, here's some more music from random rap guy. 

"Unknown rap is where real hip hop lies." - Me

~ Derek

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Just when I start to think...

...why I don't get drunk, or high, or, just in general, not get fucked up, almost every night, I think, "You know what, I do have a way to get my high."


Nevermind. Here's some awesome music...

~ Derek

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Wow...I just realized... incredibly heavy my last post was.

Something tells me that I should delete before too many people say it.

But lets be honest, I'm talking to myself here.

So, I'm gonna allow it to stay.

(Until I hid it...)

Just gives me enough reason to create more posts to knock it off the front page. Does that even work in Blogger? I'm use to Xanga, where there were only 5 updates be page.

"Xanga? Isn't that a board game?"

~ Derek

Monday, January 2, 2012

What do you do?

What do you do when you are kinda, sorta into someone, yet...

1. You question how you two dating would, not only affect the group dynamic, but how it would affect your relationship, it general?

2. You truly think there is a better fit for them than yourself. Not really saying that you're not good enough, just given the situation, you think they need someone unlike yourself, and because you care about them so much, you want what's best for them?

3. If you are not even sure if you like them or what they represent.


If you said, "Umm...I don't know...make a blog post?", you win!

~ Derek