Today...was a "I suck at life" day.

So, you don't have to read my entire blog to know that I fucking suck at getting women.

OK, maybe I don't mention it. But I'm mentioning it now, so now you fucking know.

Sorry, just a little testee.

Not "that" small, Condi.

It all started at Bolocolocolocolocolocoloco (or 'Boloco", for the less illiterate). I was getting out of my car and saw this really cute cutie (yep, that cute). Now, I see cuties, beauties and pretty women all the time, but I'm never in a position to just walk up and say "hi" without making it really awkward. And I don't do awkward. So, I usually just go on with my day.

Well, without getting into the complete details, we shared a laugh as we were walking into the store. Furthermore, because of the timing, we were next to each other in line. Do you really see what's about to (or NOT about to) happen? Do you really not know me that much?

It was a particularly long line as well, so what did I do? (or didn't do...really, still no idea what's about to happen...or NOT happen?)

I didn't speak. I didn't say anything. We chared one or two glances in line and as we were waiting to get our food. But I didn't say a god damn word. But that's not the worse. (Yes, it gets worse).

It wasn't so much that I couldn't say something, I made a conscientious decision NOT to talk to her. Like, I had openings to say something. Ask her if she went to Boloco often? Tell her how much I love Boloco (I do). Ask her if she had favorites? Fuck, anything. It was all there. BTW, did I mention how cute she was?!?! And I thought up every single reason why she would reject me, why we wouldn't work, why she was probably already in a relation. Oh yeah, did I mention I knew absolutely nothing about her?!?! At no point did I think "maybe you'll be really funny. Maybe you'll have something in common. Maybe, not only would something bad not happen, something good might happen." Nope, never entered my brain. But, now, I can't stop thinking about the opportunity I completely missed.

Scumbag Brain

I mean, I'm not saying we would live happily ever after. In all honesty, I think the best that would have happen was a nice 5 minute conversation, then we would part ways. The worse, I say something, she gives me a quick answer and ignores me. But, just because I didn't try, I have no idea what could have happen. Yeah, that whole "Failing is better than not trying" thing is legit. But that's not what I'm afraid of.

I'm terrified that if this situation occurs again, I would make the same mistake again. That scares me. Because, what does that say about me? I feel like shit for not trying, then when I can try again, I still don't have the guts to make a move?

I'm about to go to sleep and I just don't know what to do with myself. If I actually thought therapy would help, I would try. But, really, fuck that.

I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that I suck a little less at life tomorrow.

BTW, I'm still in love with a married woman. Ah, another post, another day.

~ Derek.

That Sad Moment...

...when you realize, years after the fact, that you made a potential horrible mistake in life.

What decision am I referring to? There are plenty of things I wish I have done. Not chase Dacia after going to Temple. Ask out Cherisse. Been a little less of a bitch with Sabine (yep, most of my bad decisions deal with women and/or pussing out).

But the main decision I'm regretting: Looking for a job in Philly with much more gusto.

When I think about my life here, in Boston, the one thing I wish I had was a really good friend. Like, someone I didn't have to fake myself around. Someone I could be my bad-freestyling, terribly-eating-habit-having, corny-joke-making self. And I had that in spades in Philly after graduating.

I mean, not to disparage the people I know, hang out with (on occasion) and work with here. But, I really miss the camaraderie of my Philly friends. And I just don't have anything like that here.

And I think how that affects other things in my life. I have few friends, none that I hang out with on a regular basis and very little social life. Which makes finding women incredibly hard.

 Not that I don't have any other "You're FUCKED" qualities, but this one is big.

I mean, it's not that I absolutely hate living in Boston. I'm close to my family, I kinda like my job and the people I work with. But sometimes, just sometimes, I miss friends.

I'm 29 years old. It's fucking impossible to find new friends. People are getting married. Having kids. Doing real shit in life. These hypothetical people don't have time for my ass.

That's it...that's all I got...just some reflection shit...

~ Derek